Life With A Fire-Breathing Girlfriend Read online

  We adjourned to the living room and popped in the first film. I wasn’t sure Rose would understand the movies, but she was enraptured by them from the start.

  Sharon’s pet rabbits joined us for the movies, attracted by a saucer of fresh veg in the middle of the floor. I’d always thought of rabbits as outside pets; I had no idea you could train one to use a litter box. Some folks are cat people, I’m a dog person, and Sharon was a rabbit person. When she was growing up, her parents tended to see Satan lurking everywhere, especially in books. One of the few she was allowed to read was Watership Down; after all, how corrupting can a bunch of talking rabbits be? Hint: Sharon has an altar to the rabbit’s deity next to her hutches.

  By midnight, we’d finished most of the truffles and all of the fudge, along with several pots of milky chai and three good movies. It seemed a good time to call it a night, so we divided the remaining truffles, exchanged hugs, and said our goodbyes.

  Rose spent the drive home staring out the window, not saying anything. I thought she’d fallen asleep, but she was crying again, looking up at the night sky. Once we got home, I followed her into the back yard. She lifted her arms and looked up, crying. This time, it was definitely sadness. I put my arms around her and waited.

  “The sky is ours,” she said. “The Humans back home are taming the land, carving it up into farms and pastures, driving the wild far away. They limit where we can hunt, where we can live. If not for the oceans, we’d have starved long since. But we’ll always have the sky. They can’t take the sky from us.”

  “No,” I said. “They can’t. Even if they do try, you’ll always have this sky as well. Your people can fly free here. I’m sure many would welcome them.”

  “I could fly here. I could make this my sky.” She wrapped her arms around me. “This sky wants Dragons.”

  I looked up as well. “That it does. Our world needs wonder as much as yours does. I want to see you up there one day.”

  Rose reached out as though to take hold of the sky. “You will. One day.”

  We cuddled there, long into the night, and watched the stars turn above us.

  Chapter Five

  Family Values

  Over the next two weeks, life settled in to new form of normal. Rose fit right in to Roger’s campaign, playing a ‘nun with a gun’ character who was firmly of the ‘kill them all and let God sort ’em out’ school of theology. We took in a few movie premiers and viewing parties, and Rose got to be very good at passing as human—for the most part, anyway. Keeping her fed meant getting to know all the eating competitions in the Denver-Boulder area, and I dusted off my compound bow to get ready for deer season. Of course, I was sure we’d fill our tags even if I couldn’t hit a barn from ten yards out.

  My friends occasionally accuse me of not having a real job, as I work from home developing and managing database applications for a pharmaceutical company. When drugs go through human trials to determine how much itchy eye and anal leakage they cause as side effects, I’m responsible for the software that correlates all the resulting data. What can I say? The hours are good and there’s no heavy lifting.

  Rose didn’t bother with even that much of a day job. Dragons, it turns out, are above working for a living. She paid her way by selling more coins, but the idea of getting a job was tantamount to blasphemy. While I worked, she read, watched documentaries, and basked naked in the sun on the upstairs deck. My office has a great view of the deck, so I didn’t mind once I got her to wear a robe in and out of the house. Add an outstanding view to my list of list of job perks.

  The single biggest adjustment was learning to live with someone else in my head all the time. Each of us always knows exactly how the other is feeling, all the time, every day. We never argue or fight the way other couples do, because we can’t. Human chivalry and Dragon hedonism work together to make it impossible for us to deliberately hurt one another. We can, and do, disagree, but it’s a matter of talking until we find a solution. I can’t imagine living another way now, but for a while, it felt like that otter had moved from the parallel bars to rhythmic gymnastics.

  Once our minds stabilized, Rose’s physical form stabilized as well, leaving her a Valkyrie with waist-length metallic purple hair. I thought of it as Moonbase Mauve, but the color had nothing to do with my fondness for classic science fiction shows. Rose said it was the color of her scales in her true form. It was the same with her eyes. As a Dragon, they would be gold with streaks of color that changed to match her emotions. Most of the time, her Human eyes were blue with gold flecks, meaning she was in a good mood.

  Finding the right skin tone took a bit, however. She looked amazing with green skin, but that seemed likely to attract a lot of attention outside of SF conventions. She did try matching Manya’s oiled mahogany complexion, but it didn’t work with the purple hair. She finally settled on a lighter tone, sort of a milky chai. She also bought a belly dancing outfit that went with green and hired a dance instructor to come to the house twice a week. Rose took the lessons to heart, and asked if she could revamp my video game room into a dance studio and workout room. I just smiled and nodded as my gaming consoles and beanbag chairs were replaced with a stripper pole. As long as her spinning machine was in front of the weights, I was happy. Finally, I had an incentive to work out.

  As soon as I could get reservations, I invited my parents to join us for dinner at the Flatirons restaurant so I could introduce them to Rose. She was the first person I’d wanted my parents to meet in a long time; unfortunately, that also meant introducing her to my sister, Audrey.

  I’d arranged a corner table on one of the terraces, giving us a magnificent view of the opening of Boulder Canyon, roughly a thousand feet below our mountainside perch, and of the entire city of Boulder. It was a great spot for viewing wildlife, as evidenced by the photo next to the front door showing a mountain lion walking past the valet stand while the staff shoveled snow off the walkway. It was upscale, posh, and public, which I hoped would be enough to keep Audrey from saying anything stupid.

  Well, that was the plan, anyway.

  When my parents arrived, Audrey was carrying my mother’s purse while my father managed her oxygen bottle. Mom insisted on walking, leaning on her cane and smiling through her discomfort. She gave me a hug. “David, this is lovely, but you could have just invited us over.”

  “I’m sure he can afford it,” Audrey said. “Godless heathens don’t have to tithe to the Lord. Besides, now David doesn’t have to pay for maid services any more. Or…anything else.”

  I didn’t take the bait. “Rose, this is my mother, Gypsy, and my dad, Orlando. The paragon of Christian love and charity is my sister, Audrey. Everyone, this is Rose Drake. You can take it as a sign of how I feel about her that I wanted this to be a whole-family occasion.”

  Rose smiled. “Pleased to meet you all. I told David he should have more consideration for his mother’s condition, but he didn’t listen to me.”

  “Glad he didn’t,” my dad said. “I’d never eat here if I had to be the one paying the bill.” He looked at Audrey. “I intend to enjoy my meal, young lady. Don’t start anything.” Audrey started to say something, but he stopped her with an upraised finger. “Honor thy mother and father, kiddo. You behave so we can all have a nice time.”

  Audrey looked down. “Yes, Daddy.” She picked up a menu and started looking through it. I feigned interest in my own menu and tried to relax. I wanted this to be a calm, civilized dinner, but the battle lines could be seen in our clothes.

  Dad was wearing his suit. Weddings, funerals, job interviews, fancy dinners—one suit fit all occasions. He didn’t really like it and the jacket was a little tight now, but he was too Scottish to buy a new one. Dad knew how the evening was going to go and just wanted it to be over so he could go home to his recliner, his remote, and a pint of stout.

  Mom was dressed perfectly, down to the silver brooch pinning the tubes for her oxygen cannula into place. Ivory pantsuit and black flats for com
fort and stability, simple pearl strands accenting a navy-blue blouse. Her cane was hand-carved oak, beautiful, sturdy, and slightly eccentric. She allowed herself a bit of whimsy no one could object to. The household matriarch was ready for war, all her weapons of guilt and obligation oiled and polished.

  Audrey wore her faith like a burka. Long skirt, low heels, blouse buttoned all the way to the base of her neck, plain clothes making her silver cross the center of attention. The weight in her purse was a Bible, not a cell phone. She remembered everything, dipping words in venom and storing them by the amount of damage they’ll do.

  I’m being the good son, slacks and shirt, but no tie. Doing well and showing my improved physique without making a big deal over it. Cleaned up enough to make Mom happy, but not so much that I detracted from my date.

  Rose was dressed to show off and be shown off, in a classic Little Black Dress and heels. She wore a ruby pendant and matching earrings, minimal settings showing the stones to their best advantage. Family heirlooms, now hers. Old money, though her hair proclaims her a rebel. She was what the trophy wives around the room aspired to be.

  “I’m so glad we could get together like this,” Mom said. “Now, Rose, what kind of work do you do?”

  “I don’t.” She caught Mom’s raised eyebrow and added, “My income comes from investments. My money works for me.” She looked down at the menu. “Oh, the caviar sounds good. Should we start with that?”

  “Aye, lets,” Dad said. “No matter how good the chef, food always tastes better when someone else is paying. Hope your pockets are deep tonight, Davey boy.”

  Mom rolled her eyes. “Three generations removed from the Old Country and yet still so Scottish.” She turned to Rose. “Where is your family from, dear? Drake sounds like a solid British name. My parents were both orphans from London. During the Blitz, they were evacuated to the same town out in country. They fell in love there and got married the day after VE day.”

  Thankfully, we’d rehearsed this ahead of time. Rose said, “My family is British, too. My great-grandfather was an officer in the Raj. He got married to one of the daughters of a Brahmin family and moved to San Francisco to open a wholesale spice business. Now it’s all investments and dividends. My mother teaches at a medical school and my father is retired from the Air Force.”

  Audrey asked, “Are you a Christian?”

  Rose raised an eyebrow. “Which answer allows me to eat in peace and enjoy the evening?”

  “I’m just looking out for my brother’s spiritual welfare,” Audrey replied. “It would be nice to see him settle down and start seeing a righteous, Christian woman who walks in faith and obedience to the Lord.”

  “I wouldn’t want a person like that, so don’t bother looking for one,” I said.

  “Audrey, so help me God, you’re making me want a cigarette,” my mother snapped. “Now stop it before my eye explodes.” She turned to Rose. “You don’t smoke, do you, dear?”

  “Only after breathing fire on someone,” Rose said. “It’s only polite, since they’re usually lying on the ground smoking too.”

  “I smoked for forty-three years,” Mom said. “Now I’m wishing I had just gotten tattoos instead.” She paused and took a hit of oxygen. “All I’ve got to show for my misspent youth is emphysema and these two great kids.”

  We paused long enough to give the waiter our orders, but as soon as he left the table, Audrey took up the offense.

  “How long have you two known each other, Rose?”

  Rose downed her glass of scotch and poured a refill. “Three weeks.”

  Audrey nearly choked on her Arnold Palmer. “Isn’t that a little…quick…for you to move in together?”

  “No. I moved in the night we met.” Rose downed her second glass and poured a third. “He was exactly the person I was looking for, and, well, I think I met his criteria. We had a nice talk and everything fell into place.”

  Mom raised an eyebrow. “Are you planning on getting married?”

  “Oh, probably, some day. But it’s a long way off. I’m not in a position to get married now, and David knows why. We did discuss it and I gave him my reasons. He understood and agreed with them.”

  I decided to charge in. “We essentially drew up a contract to live together the next three years. After that, Rose has some family obligations to attend to and she’ll have to leave me to take care of them.” I gave Rose a smile and a shrug. “I do love her, and I always will, but I know it’s not going to be a permanent thing. I intend to enjoy the next three years and miss her a great deal when this comes to an end.”

  Audrey shook her head. “What do your parents think of that idea, Rose?”

  Rose smiled. “They were very encouraging. My mother did much the same thing when she was younger. She never regretted it, and always spoke well of the people she spent time with.”

  “I see,” Audrey said. “I think I’ve figured out what’s going on here. You’re scheduled for an arranged marriage, aren’t you? Three years until the groom is old enough? You’re just fooling around until then, sowing your oats?”

  Rose laughed. “Anyone who wants to marry me will have to catch me first, and I have no intention of making it easy for them.”

  “Good for you, dear. Make them work for it.” Mom paused and added, “I do have to ask, though, what happens if David decides he wants to be in the chase?”

  Since I don’t have wings, not much. Out loud I said, “It’s fine, Mom. ‘To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven’. This is my time, and I’m fine with that.”

  Our entrees arrived, and conversation turned to the latest antics of my various relatives and their offspring, followed by the latest home repair saga my folks were going through. I talked about work a bit, and listened politely while Audrey talked about the children she worked with at her church’s daycare.

  As the dishes were being cleared, I turned to the subject I’d been dreading asking about. “So, Mom, how did your last doctor’s appointment go?”

  She waved her hand. “It turned out that it was, in fact, my last one. They wanted more tests, more referrals, more nonsense. I said no to all of it. I won’t be going back.”

  “Are you sure that’s wise?” I asked.

  “I’m sure it’s what I want to do,” Mom replied. “I had to see another doctor I’d never met before. Another stranger, reading my file and asking all the same questions every other doctor asks. This one had the hairiest knuckles I’ve ever seen. I could knit a hammock with them. I did my best to ignore it, until he had the gall to ask me if I engaged in any vigorous or unsafe physical or sexual activities that could make my condition worse. I said ‘No’. Then I said, ‘While we’re discussing such deeply personal matters, I’d love to know if it was your mother or your father who humped the chimp’.”

  Audrey gasped, looking around to see if anyone had overheard. “Mother! You didn’t!”

  Mom nodded. “I did, and then I left. I’m tired of being poked and prodded and treated as a lab rat. So I quit. I’ve had enough of doctors.”

  I asked, “So what exactly were the test results?”

  “There were no results,” Mom said. “However, I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m tired of doctors and tired of questions. It’s my life, and I intend to live it out my way.”

  I could tell there was a lot more going on that she was admitting. I gave her the same look she used to give me every time she knew I was holding something back. “‘No fate but what we make’?”

  “Damn right.” She started to take a drink of her iced tea, but burst into laughter with it halfway to her mouth. She set the glass down and flagged the waiter over. “Boat drinks! I want a boat drink! Extra tropical. Can you do that?”

  The waiter grinned. “Piña colada, extra tropical, coming right up. I know exactly what you need.” Ten minutes later, he brought her a hollowed-out pineapple shell topped with three paper umbrellas and a scarlet orchid.

  Mom burst
out laughing. She passed the waiter five bucks and took a sip. Her eyes bugged out a bit and she came away gasping. “Oh, yeah! That’s what I was looking for.” She had another, settling back in her chair with a relaxed, happy smile. “I think I’m going to be enjoying quite a few of these as we go along. Come on, order yourselves something. We need to have a toast. To Rose, and to happy times yet to come.”

  Even Audrey joined in, raising a glass to Rose and to the future. I was so proud and so in love I never stopped to think about what Mom was saying. Today was supposed to be the day Rose met my family. Instead, it would come to be remembered as the day my mother learned she had cancer.

  Chapter Six

  Freaking Out the Mundanes

  By the time the MDSFS’s annual trip to the Colorado Renaissance Festival came around, I was pretty damn buff. I had dropped a total of fifty pounds and my hair had grown out into a mane suitable for the cover of a romance novel. I convinced a friend who made garb for the SCA to put together a period-looking great kilt and sheepskin boots for me to wear. Yes, I went commando, but I left the blue silk ribbon at home.

  Rose went with the tried and true Tousled Wench look–a bright-colored, flouncy skirt and leather corset with a low-cut linen blouse. Thankfully, she didn’t sunburn unless she wanted to.

  We stopped to pick up Miriam on the way. She took one look at us and said, “Holy shit!” She stared at Rose, looking at her hips and shoulders. “Okay, what are you? You’re at least four inches taller, your musculature is totally different, and David has managed to badassify himself from a typical IT nerd into a hunk I could easily have romantic fantasies about. There is no science or medicine capable of producing these changes, so what is going on?”

  “Oh dear,” Rose said. “Now I have to eat you.”

  “Rose, let’s be serious for a moment.” I gave Miriam a shrug. “It’s nothing that dramatic. I got a bonus check and spent it on liposuction. The hair extension was Rose’s idea. Honestly, that’s all it is. Well, that and the kilt.”